i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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