I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
