I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
