You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Ketchup is God's man juice
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
