Don't you send me to vm
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
