allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
