Kiss
Puke
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
