Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
