If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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