you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
