ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
