What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
