Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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