Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
