the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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