so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
