dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
