I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
