my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
