Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
