I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
