This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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