I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
