I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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