So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
no more duck duck goose at the bar
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
