I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
