I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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