theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
