I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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