Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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