Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
