oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
