When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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