Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
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I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
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He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just want nice things and good sex
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