Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
