No stitches, just platelets and will power
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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