I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
