If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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