She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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