Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
