He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
