Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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