My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
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You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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