We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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