it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
