Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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