im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.