were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested