so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
