At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
