i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
