eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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