First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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