Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
