Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
