He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
