You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
